Halloweener

Girl #1: I'm a unicorn.
Guy: You're a narwhal.
Girl #2: Narwhals don't wear flower crowns.
Girl #1: "I'm the queen of the unicorns, b****es!"

Liquid Gold?

Guy: "I'm listening to SimplyNoise.com and Pandora at the same time. It's like listening to a symphony orchestra while standing in a waterfall."
Girl: "Like all the people in the orchestra are peeing at the same time?"
Guy: "No, not a golden shower...a waterfall."

Guy: "So he is just sitting there, squeezing his peach".

Girl: *drops muffin on floor*
Guy (to girl): "You FAIL at muffins."

DILLIGAS

Guy 1: I'm suffering from dilligas.
Guy 2: what?
Guy 1: Does it look like I give a s#!t?

Great heights

This whole thing is like the Mount Everest of dumb.

Well... they are.

Carnivore (as told to a vegetarian): "Animals are yummy!!!"
Vegetarian: *gasp*